Marriage. I’m not a fan. But that’s akin to my dislike of the taste of steak and lobster- I must respect the fact that many people love it. And pay good money to do it again and again.
For several months, I have received action alerts about the battle for the rights of gays and lesbians to marry. Since I support LGBT equality, I dutifully signed the petitions and sent $25 donations. I was upset when Proposition 8 was upheld and posted furious messages. But deep down I don’t understand why anybody would marry. It seems like a medieval tradition to me. Now, that I’ve attended several weddings, the ritual seems so boring and contrived. The last wedding I attended, I was able to anticipate every moment of the choreographed event. Now it’s time to present the bride and groom at the reception. Oops, time to put down the poached chicken to smile for the obligatory photograph of my table. And of course, the dancing can be fun, but the music is almost universally atrocious. And then we send them off on their honeymoon, never to really talk to them anymore because singles and marrieds don’t have all that in common anymore.
Bridal showers are the worst, could be potentially liberating, but are designed to keep women oppressed. I mean, c’mon, we are supposed to show enthusiasm for 1 1/2 hours while a woman you used to know as wild and unpredictable enthuses over bath towels. From her registry. Usually I want to commit hari kari with the bride-to-be’s shining cutlery. And then we dive into white cake. Really, women have more depth and intelligence than is mirrored by a shower. I know there are rad chicks out there who take their friends out for drinks instead of a shower. But if someone is so nontraditional, why are they having a wedding in the first place?
I blame the media for my hatred of marriage. Because romantic movies and books ended with marriage, I got the distinct impression that marriage means life is over. On soap operas many exciting couples would get married and disappear into the canvas. Look at Sex in the City- they all got married (except for my idol Sam) and they all ceased to exist. TV shows that had married couples revolved around the kitchen and living room. These people talked, fought, and never went places. Marriage seemed lethal for spontaneity.
And besides, marriage causes divorce. I’ve escorted enough people through the splitting up process to say divorce is not worth the risk of getting married. Breaking up is bad enough, but divorce multiplies the suckage exponentially.
I could apologize for my standpoint and talk about all the wonderful friends and family who are married and still great people. That may be true, but I don’t feel like saying it. I hope this blog post gets lots of people angry. And you should punish me by NOT inviting me to your wedding. Thank you.